CROSSROADS

So here I sit at a crossroads in my life.  Wondering how to distinguish between my head and heart.  I know there should be a marriage between the two voices and the wisdom they impart upon me, but with this one I think I need to hear from my heart.  When discussing things with my mom today she was speaking from her head initially, but there was a moment when she paused and said, "On one hand though, I would encourage you to listen to your gut (the mind's eye) because it sure seems to have steered you in the right direction most of your life."  I feel very fortunate and extremely grateful this is so.  Now if my gut would just get its shit together and communicate with me a little more clearly...

I have been edgy the last few days with the boys; starting to feel that winter frustration of previous years trump the compassion I am going for this year.  I don't know if this is just part of the cycle or a symptom of the larger shift I am examining at this moment in my life.  Perhaps that does not matter, it's probably both.  Either way, I was a total grouch tonight with the boys after arriving home from Capoeira.  (Just a side note: it is totally bizarre how completely satisfying it feels in the moment to indulge my desire to be mean...it freaks me out sometimes.  That darkness in me.) So anyway, as Brayden was getting his jams on and coming over to brush teeth and say good-night, I apologized to him for being a grouch.  He was so tender about it; so completely understanding and he just hugged me and asked me what was wrong.

I started talking with him about some of the big questions I am grappling with and how awful I feel that sometimes I am a grouchy mama.  Then, BAM, there were the tears...streaming steadily down my face as if there was some point in my eye where suddenly the water met a ledge and crashed down like a waterfall.  And I just could not stop for several minutes, and my eyes puffed up and felt super heavy...and then there it was: THE relief.  THE deeper breath.  My boys just snuggled me for a minute.  I asked Brayden if he would give me a really awesome gift tonight at bed time, and understand that tonight, more than most in some time, I really needed him to just do everything that I ask of him, and to go to bed with Cooper...no fits or distractions.  He gave me another hug and nodded-  held a brief pow-wow with Coop and explained the game plan.  Then to my great pleasure, it worked.  They brushed teeth, snuggled and read a story and then I asked for hugs and kisses, our family signs and then headed happily off to bed together.

It is pretty incredible how much emotional awareness that kiddo has.  He is a very old soul, that one.

Ha!  Bman is poking his little head shyly around the corner, just barely so I can see him.  I paused and asked him what he was doing and told him I was just writing about how awesome it was that he went to bed when I asked and his response was that he wanted me to read my story I was writing, to him.  (Obviously, I wasn't done and explained this).  He requested that I share it with him when I am finito.  I think that is cute he wants to hear my stories.  :)  I love this blogging thing. I just continue to journal, but there is something more liberating about journaling publicly...a freedom I find writing my words here.  It's like I am letting a bird out of its cage to fly freely.  I think keeping my own record is certainly important for certain topics...(not exactly sure what those are yet, but I am sure there will come a time in my life when I do.)  Here, I feel like I have truly expressed my thoughts in a way that only communicating to myself in writing does not; cannot.  Even though it may never get read; it is the illusion that it has been let go...shared...purged from within me.  I do feel "heard" and that is perfectly, perfect in these moments.

I was up until nearly 4am working on a project for a 2nd job interview I had today.  I am beat now; and the interview was great.  Now time to hit the sack and see if my dreams can help me with some soul searching at this crossroads in my life.  

L.