Messages...

I have been thinking a lot about messages- messages I have carried with me about myself regarding "who" I have believed myself to be for years, (many that are no longer authentic messages I continuously discover).  Messages I have been receiving presently from the universe, from my children, my journal-thus, myself, my friends- brand new, old and everything in between.

They are everywhere, and they have been erupting around me as the stars suddenly fill the night sky after the sun meets the earth each day.  I have been aware of the cycles of my life for sometime- the silence, followed by the chatter, the inaction followed by creation.  But it was not until recently that I could honor that natural cycle, accept its purpose.  Lately, I am understanding that I have finally grown fearless in my pursuit of authenticity.  I think I have finally found a really healthy relationship with my ego- the ego that tries so damn hard to interfere with my life and tell me who I should be for others.  I have deconstructed that little pest, and gently set him aside.  I have found freedom in self- or lack of self, perhaps.

I have been in a deeply reflective state lately- and those have brought me back to those early messages I carried around in my knapsack for so many years.  All those conflicting messages that found me wrought with confusion, self doubt, insecurity, anger, a desire to be hurtful to others sometimes in an effort to relieve the pain inside me.  Perhaps those messages protected me through childhood and adolescences, and probably if we are being real, even over the past decade.  I gently release them- those messages about who I was supposed to be, what I was capable of, how I would get to my next destination, and I will thank them for comforting me and protecting me in that way.  I think I understand with great clarity why we all behave in those ways- those are our tools.  You can only work with what you are given by yourself and others, and unless you seek out new ones that evolution of mind cannot occur as easily, or sometimes at all.

Lately, I have found that all the tools I need are in my heart, and they stream to it from my head as I learn to process things, and better when to let go and sit with it- to be.  They stream to my heart from my ears as I LISTEN and learn from others.  They stream from my eyes as I drink in the beauty of Mother Nature all around me, and the smiles of my children, and that friend unknown on the street.

They stream to me through my hands as they move gently across my partners cheek in the morning, or wrap my arms around my family and friends, and as I run my hands down my dogs soft coats.

My greatest teacher is my heart- and it is learning new things every moment because I believe I have finally surrendered to it- acknowledged its power and passion to guide me, often in ways unknown to me until the moment I arrive...

It took me a long time to be completely open to its direction, because I had the illusion I should and could control it.  I also was burdened by the many messages I had carried around for years about who others perceived me to be, who I perceived myself to be.  I could not let some of this MAGIC into my heart because that sounded a little crazy, a little out there- but perhaps I am "out there"- a larger part of the universe, receiving wisdom and stories from the universe in a way I did not before because I could not be open that widely and deeply- that authentically.  The universe has a magical way of providing for each of us when we are no longer bound to our illusions about what life is and should be.  I don't have any formal answers about who or what conducts this flow, and I don't need them because I am learning to just trust them.  To be moved by the flow of the current.  Did you know that there is a place in Africa where all elephants from all over the country go to die?  They just know to go there.  I just know to go places recently, and I know that light will greet me.  I don't fear the darkness and I know I will arrive in it many, many more times in my life, but what if I can think about it as a shadow, or shade from the light?  Or even the restful darkness provided by the night sky?  My heart opens wide, and I smile as humbly and honestly as I think I ever have.

The butterfly's wings expand, and I am transformed.  I have arrived, I am whole.

May you follow the light on your journey and turn away from that which is absent of it.

Namaste,

L.

The Butterfly...

How often do we lead ourselves astray looking outside of ourselves for resolution?  Trust...an interesting concept.  How do we truly offer trust to another when there may be places internally that communicate that it does not exist outside of us?  I often seek out guidance from my beautiful friends, but my gut so often communicates all too clearly with me about what it understands about the world and my relationships.  At what point, do I heed my mind's eye and stop talking...start listening to what I already know.  They have so much to offer me, but many of our conversations are not worth their time.  I have this incessant desire to process my world, when often I think it is my inability to sit with my discomfort and patiently wait for a sign, communication or resolution to manifest naturally, that causes the wheels to turn.  I do not need you, or you, or even me to tell me where to go.  I need to go when I am moved, I need to TRUST that all is well because I am open to my path and freely flowing.  When I am stalled, or uncomfortable- well- that is a part of life.  If I have looked and realize that all is right, and I have humbly accepted all that I have contributed to my situation, then there is no need to go further.  Let it go, shut up.  This too shall pass.  I realize that processing, attempting to find words for my feelings to process the situation with another is quite silly, really.  What do we have to offer others in these situations?  What am I looking for from them?  I don't know.  How often do I just find them hearing me differently than I intended for them to and feeling misunderstood, and sometimes more uncomfortable? 

Here I am, today, on this lovely November evening 2011, feeling transformed.  A butterfly; one still pumping blood to my wings.   Still struggling to discontinue, unlearn and break old patterns of behavior.  Still mindfully learning to ignore the chattering that tells me not to sit peacefully with the discomfort, but rather feebly and foolishly attempt to conduct the cacophony inside my mind.  And some days I can break those cycles, I do.  Other days, perhaps not so well, but it is far more quiet these days than ever before.  The stillness provides comfort and confirmation that I can grow, and have grown.  I should never doubt the wisdom inside me, it is ancient and knows its place.  I am just still learning how to TRUST it to have its place in my world.

Namaste,

L.

We all go away sometimes...

no guilt, no fear, open-hearted, this too shall pass, shifting is healthy and necessary- let go of the wheel for a bit, quit trying to steer yourself back toward your previous path, for it is no longer yours.
you will be back when you are ready, they will understand because that is love- it lives and breathes, a clear part of all of you...
we all go away sometimes, soon to be back- wherever.
trust in the discomfort, hold it- gently- let go now; it will be the guide...
turn down the volume in your mind, the chatter that tries to prove its the all-knowing, all powerful.  bullshit.
peace in silence, peace in discomfort, peace in space, peace in the journey back.
we all go away sometimes,
to be returned anew, enriched, awakened, fearless, alive
the way to return, is through letting go.
we all NEED to go away sometimes, in order to return to you.

reflections about my boys...Cooper James and Bman

My adventurous, soulful, goofy and wonderful little man just turned 3 this week!  How quickly time truly passes is something that still amazes me as a mother.  This picture is one of my favorites of Cooper because this shot embodies his spirit and character, though a bit dirtier than usual.  We were camping in beautiful Ashley National Forest in Utah this June, and he was recognizing heaven as it exists in each moment we allow it to.  Children understand this magical gift that is life.  They don't take it for granted, and they certainly don't question its magnificence- they dance with it, roll in it, smile at it, cry in it, and revel in its wonder.  It is an incredibly healing thing to observe.

Lately, Cooper and I have been communicating much more- verbally.  He has expanded his vocabulary tremendously, as well as his understanding of when and how to use words.  His expression about his experiences is something I can share not only through action and body language, but with the beautiful words that are newly available to us.  This fresh verbal activity has created new connections in our relationship, ones that could not exist before, because for all intent and purpose, I was only able to guess what he was trying to explain about his experiences.  Now, I often am able to hear it as he truly intends me to understand him, and it is so lovely.

 

Cooper adores his big brother...when he is not watching him from a distance, he is Brayden's shadow, offering the same noises, movements, and words that his brother does.  Aaron and I regularly talk with each other about how amazing our boys are, and not just as their parents, but as people who appreciate "good people-good company".  They both are that.  They love to share, to be affectionate, they have great manners and are very kind.  These little men even recognize and have an awareness of other peoples experiences, and understand when someone is sad or mad, very happy, or grateful about something.  They are both very aware, and very present each and every day, and we try to foster this in them whenever we can.  We hope to remind them as much as possible about the little things, and also remind them about how little we all are- that we should often look at the world around us to help guide us, rather than assume we know it all.  We encourage them to respectfully ask questions when they are curious, or don't understand- and they love to!  We celebrate sunsets and bees, flowers and trees, our family and friends, the roof over our head, and the food we thankfully place in our bellies most every time we experience any sense of hunger- and so we see them practice this on their own, too.  I am so grateful!

 I think all of these things that I am so grateful for are inherent in us as humans- plenty of other, less pleasant characteristics, too.  But as little men, they naturally want to participate with nature and the world around them, and I just provide the settings for them to indulge in this instinct.  They want to express their emotions, and are curious about mine and so we talk about them- as we are authentically experiencing them, not with any sort of concern about what we "should" be acting like, feeling.  This almost always leads us to reduced problematic behaviors from all of us because we all know how to express what we feel, and then care for ourselves as we need to.  They want to be kind to people, they want to explore.  Unfortunately, I think sometimes, society teaches us to lose sight of those things- forget about all the magic right outside our front doors.  And so while I am not into sheltering my kids, I will shelter from this for as long as I can.

Last night after dinner Brayden was playing in our little haven of a backyard, and came running in and asked us all to come out and check out this "super cool" cloud.  And, so, we did- and it was super cool, and I was so grateful my little guy saw it, and also wanted to share that.  Goodness, being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences ever.

Cooper- Never forget your zest, your spunk- it's your magic that draws us all to you, (and often makes us crazy, too).  May you always play in the sunshine, dance in the rain, and roll around in the snow.  I will forever cherish our bedtime routine where you ask us to snuggle for a "whittle bit".  Yours arms awkwardly wrapped so loving around my head or neck, then rubbing my arm or back, as mom and dad did yours when you were a baby.  You are love, kiddo.  Don't ever let your charm and wit outweigh your love for life and others. You are my sunshine!

And Brayden- you are a soulful spirit who I believe has lived a great many lives.  The natural world has already taught you so many things. Never stop listening to that wisdom inside you, and please never cease to share it with others.  Your kindness and generosity are tremendous gifts to all who know you and I hope you will always bless others with this part of you.  Never quit asking questions, always practice your best, work hard for the things you want, and remember why you are so grateful for this life.  You are my little sage, my yoda- and I just can't quit you kiddo.  May all your gifts only grow within you, and as you begin your 1st Grade year in two weeks, I hope you will discover more untapped potential and wonder inside of you.  

"You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're on your own.  And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go."

-Dr. Suess

This being a parent thing, it is all about learning and observing, along with trial and error.  You both teach me where you want to go, and I try to help you get there by providing you with paths that foster your inner spirit.  This illusion that we have much control over you is something we grow more respectful of daily, and so we hope to keep our hand on on the wheel next to yours for as long as you will let us, and when the day comes for us to let go- we hope we will know.  But for now- Dad and I want nothing more for you guys than to feel always loved, supported, full of courage, and compassion for yourselves and others.  We mess up sometimes, and we know you both will, too.  No matter what, though, never forget we always love you, and will always have your back- even when you can't understand how or believe it!  You make our worlds go 'round, and our hearts open wide.  Thank you for all the lessons and love you bring into our lives!

All the love and light in this world,

Mama

notes to myself about lessons learned this year...

• It's all a dance: the partnership, the job, parenthood, friendship- sometimes you will lead, at others follow, and sometimes you step on each others damn toes- let the spirit move you to the beat and when you lose it slow down, listen, observe and when you connect with the rhythm again- go on, girl- shake that tail feather!

• You must be AWAKE to honor your partner, friends, children, and also yourself.  Book- Awareness, by Anthony DeMello

• You must grant your partner and children space when they need it, as well as provide that for yourself, too.

• You realized you have true love, a spiritually based love with Aaron, and because of this have learned that you two will not always need or want each other and that is GREAT, not bad.  You learned to let go of each other in order to really love each other.  You quit taking things personally- not all moods, hard times, good times and everything in between is about you.  YOU GOT OVER YOUR DAMN SELF!  :)

• Change happens because you are open to it, honest about it and READY for it.  Just being open does not mean you are ready for it.  It'll come faster when you wait patiently.  Ironic, I know.

• You must recognize that every moment is a choice to be at peace internally or not.  No, really- a CHOICE- trust yourself, you really understand this finally.  Now continue practicing it.

• Listen to what others say, particularly your partner and children, but when their tongues throw hurtful words at you- hear only what you own and breathe through that which you do not.  Accept, observe, apologize if you need to, and WORK on the parts that are yours.  The rest is not yours, so don't spend time worrying about it.  You cannot do a durn thing to fix their bullshit- it's is hard enough to own your own charms and misbehavior's. 

• If it is clear their words are not about you, remain steadfast in providing your love, support, and compassion.  Something is wrong and they need your best as they go through whatever it is.  You will need the same in return someday as well.

• No matter what happens- you cannot stop it, it is happening, always- LIFE- be fluid and move with it- or else it may just overwhelm you.

• Don't define yourself by your emotional state- experience it and see it for what it is, but don't be it.  This makes it too easy to become self absorbed, and begin viewing the world from your perspective only- even if its unconscious and harmless.  You are a Cancer- you don't need any more assistance with this issue. ;)

• Never judge others, no really, shut it- you don't know and it doesn't matter.  You hear that, IT DOES NOT MATTER.  We are all as crazy and confused as the rest of the lot- yours just manifests itself in different ways, under different circumstances, because of different life experiences and support systems.  There is no need for judgment.  We are all on different journeys, at different points in our unique paths.  Get the theme- different. There is plenty of judgment kickin' around this place already.  You don't need to be a contributor. You better believe if you catch yourself judging others it is something unresolved in you- ego, attitude, old patterns, insecurities...something in you you must learn to let go!

• The more you wake up, the crazier you may sound- it's cool- GO with it! ;)

• Strength, courage, and consciousness bring with them great freedom- continue practicing these things.

• Never doubt that you are moving in the right direction unless you KNOW you are not- you will know.

• You have always believed there is something magical out there, you now understand it's not out there, but everywhere, moving through each of us- the more aware and free you are the easier it is to recognize its steady, comforting presence.  You are starting to really be friendly with it- whatever IT is.

• None of that other stuff really matters, it does not change who 'you' are- professional titles, compliments, fashion, social status- but as long as you can remember this, rock on!- enjoy these as they come- they can be a lot of fun and make you smile.  Never rely on any of these items to relieve something inside you.  If you do choose to pursue them do it when all else is in order, and do so sparingly.

• Your insomia is alive and well again...sleep more- think less! ;)

• Whatever you are feeling- it's in you.  It's not Jimmy's fault, or Joe's because it is your reaction to life's stimulus after all.  If you experience ill feelings toward others or yourself, observe this reaction in yourself (with as little judgment as possible), identify its origin and grow fearlessly. 

• Always fearlessly!

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude...

L.

Action Steps...

Like a ton of trucks, tonight hit me!  Rounded out conclusions about spaces, places and reactions in my life.  These followed by years of experiences dripping from my eyes, allowing light to reach my darkest well, just as moonlight gently kisses dark waters,

OPEN me up,

NOW- encouraging me to grow.

I stepped into that shift tonight, no longer pulling away.  Painfully accepting a new truth, a perspective perhaps I could never allow myself to see.

My loving partner stood- urgently- offering me a mirror...
I believe with the hope that I could grow,
By finally identifying myself in that reflection...

and

 I think I did.

I stepped through that picture and now begin sketching another, no longer bound by the outline of a presence no longer residing here.

For all the mistakes I have and will make, I understand.  I will actively listen for their wisdom...

Their Action Steps.

My loves, for you both, I promise to continue to grow, to be the best me I can be--even when that growth is terribly painful.  I owe you both that...I owe myself that!

Love and Light,

Lindsay

One of those days...

I think in the last year one of my new favorite things in life is learning to have a better awareness of the universal energy that flows through each of us, each second of every moment- all day, continuing with each sunrise.  I have fond memories of the early awareness, and saying things like, "Today was just one of those days..." -you know, where everything seemed to fall into place and you felt an energy inside you that you needed to share, but didn't quite understand how to.

Yea, well when I say my new favorite thing this year, I am referring to that feeling...the part that is new is that I feel it more often than not, and even on those days when things don't perfectly fall into place- FOR ME, that is.  Who knows, those days could be stylin' for many others, but I Believe I get to absorb their joy and excitement in some way, shape or form should I choose to be open to receiving it.  And I hope that when I meet the closing moments of this life; I will know peace because I will have discovered how to see most all my days this way despite any challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments that may present themselves along the way.

Today, I played Apples to Apples at our Adult Detox with five of our guys, and it was so much fun.  They shared their light with me, though I wonder if they know that.  I love my job, and while some days I have to deal with the "job" part of it, most days it is a gift and a pleasure to share my time and energies working with the people I do; both the clients and the staff.  I feel like I truly get to experience a richness in life that I would not otherwise understand.  Working with the homeless population- youth and adult, along with folks dealing with substance abuse sounds like a heavy job- but I believe that belief is a result of the weight of those words--HOMELESS, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, for they carry such stereotypes and ideas with them; they tend to leave out the individuality, the humanness of the people who experience the description of those words as a part of their reality.  And while I will not try to deny the darkness of some I encounter--I think the people I work with tend to focus on our clients' light, and so they are surrounded by it, and it tends to attract our clients' light in return.  The full spectrum of life, as I am to understand it, a part of me everyday- in a way I can touch, smell, hear...

 So blessed.

I have been reading a book, Soulcraft, by Bill Plotkin, who is an eco-therapist and depth psychologist.  Soulcraft is a beautiful and fascinating, yet intense book that explores our connection to "soul" and "spirit" and our ability to respond to it when it calls.  Sort of a big thought, but hang in there.  I am realizing as I grow older and become more loving and accepting of my"self"--just exactly how I translate my relationship to this life--through what avenues I choose to express myself, define who I want the world at large to believe me to be, how I cope with the experiences that continuously shape and change me...and one thing I keep coming back to, a constant in my world of strategies and stages of growth, is my deep desire to stay anchored in the "light"...hell, the title of my blog includes this.  I don't think this coping mechanism has been harmful per say, but it has not been holistic.

So back to the book, Soulcraft encourages us to look at our disconnection from soul, which this book makes the case, [based on mythology, spiritual and religious stories, as well as research and learning about people's encounters with "soul"], is what many people would consider the underworld, or hell, the darkness.  Where spirit refers to something belonging to the upperworld or heaven, the universal energy, the light.  Our ego self belongs to the netherworld, earth, our physical embodiment.  My discovery to which I was referring?  Staying anchored in the light...well that Plotkin writes is not a complete life because we turn our back on the soul, or shadow, the darkness; in many ways the CORE of who we ARE.  A truly full, spirtually connected life encompasses both the light and dark, heaven and hell, soul and spirit- equally and respectfully.

Now, to be clear, he is not arguing that people need live in the darkness, but that they must be open to experiencing it, communicating with it.  We must let it in and become friends with it because it too, is critical to our lives.  Equally as critical as our ability to live with optimism, love and compassion, and the many other qualities that would define the light.  Most of my life I have not allowed myself to be friendly with the darkness, instead I have fought it with every positive bone in my body, and when I still could not move it- I often break down and fight it with all the unacquainted darkness inside of me.  I am sure most anyone can understand that battle.  I almost always, until recently, have ended up waving my white flag and feeling worse than I did when the initial darkness touched me to spark the war in the first place.  Plotkin would make the case that by being open to receiving our darkness and letting our bad days have their moment in the sun, it does not bring us more darkness, but instead freedom and joy--a life without fear, that is rooted by a deeper connection to all things, particularly mother nature, the very universal creative force "we" have worked so hard to deny our deeply intimate relationship with for centuries. 

So today in particular, I am working on truly understanding how to be open to becoming a compassionate friend to my darkness, my soul. I hope to discover how to acknowledge it and listen to the wisdom my soul has to offer-- for it intimately dances with the spirit and they are both equally a part of me.

I commit when possible, to choose balance over imbalance...to choose courage over fear, love over hate, compassion over anger.  But I acknowledge that all of the feelings above are a part of my journey- my chaotic, unpredictable, yet often utterly predictable life and I want to continue living it as fully and completely as I can.  Fuck all the rules that have been imposed on me or the ideas that have been placed in my head about who I am supposed to be, how one "lives" a proper, moral or wholesome life.  This is my journey, and I will take the reigns from here, thanks.

I will start listening to both my soul and spirit. I will let go of what I think I know as a Truth and accept how little I know.  I will stop talking so much, stop trying to understand every passing moment, and try to stop worrying about what 'you' think of my life.  And instead just move as the wind blows, dance as the feminine gently sweeps through me and live as I feel I should because this is my life and I am learning to trust some deeper tools that were gifted to me at birth, and I believe everyone has them--whether they can or want to open to them or not is the bigger question. 

I will do this because this is my life and it is the only thing I happen to know is present and real.  I will stop and ask for directions when I am lost, ask questions when I am curious, for your stories when you wish to share them...and I will do this because I have no answers about tomorrow, or the experience, if any, that comes after my heart ceases to beat...just this--right NOW.  I want to really live-- to be free HERE-- knowing all of the colors in life, and all that is absent of them, too. 

So, one of those days indeed; and I believe tomorrow will be just the same, too.

May your journeys' be richly fulfilling!

Love and Light,

L.

not just another yoga post...

The boys just left this afternoon on an airplane with Nonni to head to Denver for the next six days.  They have only been gone for 6 hours or so, yet it feels as if it has been a lifetime already...but in the most healthy and fulfilling way.  And it assures me our reunion will be amazing.  In this short lifetime, I have fantasized about all that I will "get" to do while they are away.  I find I have a hard time resting during these periods because I suddenly have the freedom to walk out the front door with only my coat and keys...and I can go ANYWHERE!  To yoga,

        to the bar (though I never find myself here anymore...we are always in a cozy house one of my fabulous friends own, and it is almost always only really close, amazing friends who surround me or new really quality and warm new friends I am just meeting...and we have the most thoughtful, funny, loving and interesting conversations ever.  I almost always walk out saying aloud how grateful I am for such good people in my life and affirming to them how much I do LOVE them.  In the most sincere and heartfelt way.  I only say I love you to the people in my life who I do, as in actively love you with my heart.),

          to the grocery store, a movie, I can window shop (I never can go into stores with the boys, though there are not many I want to go in, but when I get that wild hair...it's insane.  Coop Diddy is a maniac, but damn he is cute.)  The very long point being, I have my life back in a very selfish way.  A very natural and healthy way, and so I nurture myself during this time and do just what I need to do, or perhaps want to do.  Of course, in a responsible way...I won't being going Office Space style and walking out on my job.

So now I circle back to the subject of my thoughts: discovering freedom by letting go.

My life has been very different lately, things are shifting in a very large way in my life and I have truly recognized in the most respectful way, just how little control we have in our lives.  Not that I did not understand that before, but I fought it.  Thought maybe if I tried hard enough there would be some way I could figure out how to trick that truth, manipulate it in a way that I could control that which was not able to be controlled.  So I have been surrendering more and more, and in that I find freedom.  A quietness that is deep and true- that I trust to care for me as I navigate this new space in my life.  I let go of the illusion and suddenly there is a clarity and a simplicity that was not present before.  I sit with this.

So I went to yoga tonight at 8:30pm (after a wonderful hour long conversation-ihatetalkingonthephonemelikeyfacetofacetime- with one of my dearest friends, Zoe who I have been playing phone tag with for about a month.  She lives in NY and I miss her all the time)...so 8:30pm- best time for ME to do yoga.  I recognize for others that time perhaps sounds excruciating.  I like the nights, very mellow, the light is warm and soothing, and people seem to bring a more gentle energy to the room.  I have tried several 4pm classes and found I personally felt like there was a hectic energy, as if people still had work on their minds and could not quite relax, get outside of their heads for a bit.  The light is so much different, too. Bright and active, and while I am absolutely a sun worshiper, it is not the right light for the space I need to have my deepest practice at this period of my life. Though I imagine one day, I may transition to a time in my life when that is my class time, and it suits my life at that moment.

      Then there is the 9am class, which is full of renewed, perky and motivated energy.  You can always feel that people are welcoming a new day with enthusiasm.  It feels great, but some days I am not yet mentally ready to work that hard.  To push myself to wake up with that level of intensity.  However, sometimes this class works for me on the weekends.  Perhaps I would enjoy this more on weekdays if I did not have to take care of the boys in the AM.  Who knows...who cares I suppose.  It does not fit into my life at this moment, (though it could tomorrow).   And, perhaps I will go tomorrow morning...however, I am not committing.  I am focusing on honoring the space I need to be in right now, especially as the boys are gone...and this is a genuine option for me.

Okay, back from my yoga tangent (or perhaps not)- I got home from class tonight feeling so wonderful.  Class kicked my ass and pushed me farther than I have been in sometime.  There was sweat dripping from my forehead as I pushed beyond my physical and mental discomfort and let go further...and there I would find myself in a brand new space in those poses.  A place I had never made it before!  A place I could not go before because I did not have the mental toughness to push through that discomfort, to honor my core strength- tap into it to really push myself to breathe through this sensation.  Let go of my resistance to this discomfort and welcome it, and from there I go deeper.

Yoga is one of many practices that embodies life in such an honest form.  For me, yoga is a deeply spiritual experience, though it has not always been.  For a long time, it was a mental battle with myself because I could never get out of my head, let go of my ego and self awareness.  I would always judge where I was and push myself because I wanted to be a badass yogi, not because I was moving with my body as it was capable that day.  I have now learned to shut down my thoughts, find my breath and honor my body.  Some days I feel so strong and fluid, other days I shake and can't hold a pose I rocked the day before...and that is just dandy!  This connection to my body, and the control over my thoughts that comes from learning how to let them go, has been very empowering, restorative and healing. I find myself sitting with more calm in my daily life.  Working toward all things from a place of compassion and with peacefulness in my heart.  The effects of my yoga practice guide me through my day, and I find myself returning to my "yoga space" periodically throughout the day to get through a moment or two.

So when I returned home tonight, the house looked like my sons' house still.  Toys strewn about, the random adorable little man sock lying around.  A tiger on the bathroom sink.  And so I began to clean our home.  I threw the toys in our frightening playroom in the basement and I reclaimed the top floor of my house.  Then moving on to the kitchen were I noticed the Cooper fingerprints all over the wall and dishwasher...and I finally cleaned them.  As I cleaned them, I realized that I don't see these things when the boys are home, probably because I cannot let myself.  I have to let go when they are home- I have to let go of the fact that there are going to be fingerprints on my walls and dishwasher despite my best efforts to teach them not to drag their fingers across and make pictures with their dirty little hands.  Though sounds fun for them. ;)
                                                  I have to let go to find comfort in my space as it exists and embrace the things that I can control such as the dishes and wiping the counters while surrendering to the little details like fingerprints.  The house now feels very clean and calm, and so I will enjoy it until next Wednesday when my munchkins come back to reclaim the joint.

And, this weekend will feel so nice.  So much more I can control in MY life this weekend, because there are not two little spirits who need my attention, my affections- my life directly.  Nonni and Papa will enjoy them, and give them the most focused and loving attention the next few days...

and so, I will do that for myself as well.  And both these things make me very happy!

Namaste,

L.

A shift in perspective...a call to action

MLK Day

What an inspiring man wrought with imperfections, yet so full of heart; he was so profoundly human.  Anytime I think of MLK Jr. I find myself feeling inspired by his power and fearlessness.  He had a dream, that evolved into a vision because of the action he took to transform a dream into his future, our people's future.  By opening himself to the world, the world opened as well.  More light was introduced because he shared his.

So I sit with him in mind today and feel myself drawn toward action.  I feel ready to move in the direction I trust I will soon understand, but now I must be still and open to recognizing my vision of the future and all it holds- then I can understand what action to take.  I must acknowledge my fear that sits quietly entangled in my heart, spend some time with it, perhaps play with it a bit, and then let it go on its way.   This is my life after all, not my fear's.  I will not be held back, I will move forward despite my fear's desire to keep me comfortable and incapable of change. As my dear friend, Jill Leo says, "All limits are self imposed..."  I do so love her.

I make a conscious choice today to be in control of my actions as I dance with life and its steady stream of energy pulling me this way and that, and spinning me back around again, then holding me close for a moment before letting me go, spiraling dizzily through a new current.  This dance cannot be choreographed the way others can (I must surrender the illusion it can be), I must be free flowing and flexible- at moments ready to lead, and others be led.

Be still, be open...
  feel this shift in perspective...

L.