I have been in a deeply reflective state lately- and those have brought me back to those early messages I carried around in my knapsack for so many years. All those conflicting messages that found me wrought with confusion, self doubt, insecurity, anger, a desire to be hurtful to others sometimes in an effort to relieve the pain inside me. Perhaps those messages protected me through childhood and adolescences, and probably if we are being real, even over the past decade. I gently release them- those messages about who I was supposed to be, what I was capable of, how I would get to my next destination, and I will thank them for comforting me and protecting me in that way. I think I understand with great clarity why we all behave in those ways- those are our tools. You can only work with what you are given by yourself and others, and unless you seek out new ones that evolution of mind cannot occur as easily, or sometimes at all.
Lately, I have found that all the tools I need are in my heart, and they stream to it from my head as I learn to process things, and better when to let go and sit with it- to be. They stream to my heart from my ears as I LISTEN and learn from others. They stream from my eyes as I drink in the beauty of Mother Nature all around me, and the smiles of my children, and that friend unknown on the street.
They stream to me through my hands as they move gently across my partners cheek in the morning, or wrap my arms around my family and friends, and as I run my hands down my dogs soft coats.
My greatest teacher is my heart- and it is learning new things every moment because I believe I have finally surrendered to it- acknowledged its power and passion to guide me, often in ways unknown to me until the moment I arrive...
It took me a long time to be completely open to its direction, because I had the illusion I should and could control it. I also was burdened by the many messages I had carried around for years about who others perceived me to be, who I perceived myself to be. I could not let some of this MAGIC into my heart because that sounded a little crazy, a little out there- but perhaps I am "out there"- a larger part of the universe, receiving wisdom and stories from the universe in a way I did not before because I could not be open that widely and deeply- that authentically. The universe has a magical way of providing for each of us when we are no longer bound to our illusions about what life is and should be. I don't have any formal answers about who or what conducts this flow, and I don't need them because I am learning to just trust them. To be moved by the flow of the current. Did you know that there is a place in Africa where all elephants from all over the country go to die? They just know to go there. I just know to go places recently, and I know that light will greet me. I don't fear the darkness and I know I will arrive in it many, many more times in my life, but what if I can think about it as a shadow, or shade from the light? Or even the restful darkness provided by the night sky? My heart opens wide, and I smile as humbly and honestly as I think I ever have.
The butterfly's wings expand, and I am transformed. I have arrived, I am whole.
May you follow the light on your journey and turn away from that which is absent of it.
Namaste,
L.
