Yea, well when I say my new favorite thing this year, I am referring to that feeling...the part that is new is that I feel it more often than not, and even on those days when things don't perfectly fall into place- FOR ME, that is. Who knows, those days could be stylin' for many others, but I Believe I get to absorb their joy and excitement in some way, shape or form should I choose to be open to receiving it. And I hope that when I meet the closing moments of this life; I will know peace because I will have discovered how to see most all my days this way despite any challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments that may present themselves along the way.
Today, I played Apples to Apples at our Adult Detox with five of our guys, and it was so much fun. They shared their light with me, though I wonder if they know that. I love my job, and while some days I have to deal with the "job" part of it, most days it is a gift and a pleasure to share my time and energies working with the people I do; both the clients and the staff. I feel like I truly get to experience a richness in life that I would not otherwise understand. Working with the homeless population- youth and adult, along with folks dealing with substance abuse sounds like a heavy job- but I believe that belief is a result of the weight of those words--HOMELESS, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, for they carry such stereotypes and ideas with them; they tend to leave out the individuality, the humanness of the people who experience the description of those words as a part of their reality. And while I will not try to deny the darkness of some I encounter--I think the people I work with tend to focus on our clients' light, and so they are surrounded by it, and it tends to attract our clients' light in return. The full spectrum of life, as I am to understand it, a part of me everyday- in a way I can touch, smell, hear...
So blessed.
I have been reading a book, Soulcraft, by Bill Plotkin, who is an eco-therapist and depth psychologist. Soulcraft is a beautiful and fascinating, yet intense book that explores our connection to "soul" and "spirit" and our ability to respond to it when it calls. Sort of a big thought, but hang in there. I am realizing as I grow older and become more loving and accepting of my"self"--just exactly how I translate my relationship to this life--through what avenues I choose to express myself, define who I want the world at large to believe me to be, how I cope with the experiences that continuously shape and change me...and one thing I keep coming back to, a constant in my world of strategies and stages of growth, is my deep desire to stay anchored in the "light"...hell, the title of my blog includes this. I don't think this coping mechanism has been harmful per say, but it has not been holistic.
So back to the book, Soulcraft encourages us to look at our disconnection from soul, which this book makes the case, [based on mythology, spiritual and religious stories, as well as research and learning about people's encounters with "soul"], is what many people would consider the underworld, or hell, the darkness. Where spirit refers to something belonging to the upperworld or heaven, the universal energy, the light. Our ego self belongs to the netherworld, earth, our physical embodiment. My discovery to which I was referring? Staying anchored in the light...well that Plotkin writes is not a complete life because we turn our back on the soul, or shadow, the darkness; in many ways the CORE of who we ARE. A truly full, spirtually connected life encompasses both the light and dark, heaven and hell, soul and spirit- equally and respectfully.
Now, to be clear, he is not arguing that people need live in the darkness, but that they must be open to experiencing it, communicating with it. We must let it in and become friends with it because it too, is critical to our lives. Equally as critical as our ability to live with optimism, love and compassion, and the many other qualities that would define the light. Most of my life I have not allowed myself to be friendly with the darkness, instead I have fought it with every positive bone in my body, and when I still could not move it- I often break down and fight it with all the unacquainted darkness inside of me. I am sure most anyone can understand that battle. I almost always, until recently, have ended up waving my white flag and feeling worse than I did when the initial darkness touched me to spark the war in the first place. Plotkin would make the case that by being open to receiving our darkness and letting our bad days have their moment in the sun, it does not bring us more darkness, but instead freedom and joy--a life without fear, that is rooted by a deeper connection to all things, particularly mother nature, the very universal creative force "we" have worked so hard to deny our deeply intimate relationship with for centuries.
So today in particular, I am working on truly understanding how to be open to becoming a compassionate friend to my darkness, my soul. I hope to discover how to acknowledge it and listen to the wisdom my soul has to offer-- for it intimately dances with the spirit and they are both equally a part of me.
I commit when possible, to choose balance over imbalance...to choose courage over fear, love over hate, compassion over anger. But I acknowledge that all of the feelings above are a part of my journey- my chaotic, unpredictable, yet often utterly predictable life and I want to continue living it as fully and completely as I can. Fuck all the rules that have been imposed on me or the ideas that have been placed in my head about who I am supposed to be, how one "lives" a proper, moral or wholesome life. This is my journey, and I will take the reigns from here, thanks.
I will start listening to both my soul and spirit. I will let go of what I think I know as a Truth and accept how little I know. I will stop talking so much, stop trying to understand every passing moment, and try to stop worrying about what 'you' think of my life. And instead just move as the wind blows, dance as the feminine gently sweeps through me and live as I feel I should because this is my life and I am learning to trust some deeper tools that were gifted to me at birth, and I believe everyone has them--whether they can or want to open to them or not is the bigger question.
I will do this because this is my life and it is the only thing I happen to know is present and real. I will stop and ask for directions when I am lost, ask questions when I am curious, for your stories when you wish to share them...and I will do this because I have no answers about tomorrow, or the experience, if any, that comes after my heart ceases to beat...just this--right NOW. I want to really live-- to be free HERE-- knowing all of the colors in life, and all that is absent of them, too.
So, one of those days indeed; and I believe tomorrow will be just the same, too.
May your journeys' be richly fulfilling!
Love and Light,
L.
