Camera One, Camera Two...Camera New

My dear cousin Anna, reminded me last night that I have been neglecting this outlet in my life.  As I sit here on this snowy New Year's Eve, the sun searching for a break in the cloud covered sky to say hello...I think about perspectives and the meaning of a new year.  While I am not much for New Year's Resolutions, I am certainly one who looks forward to a fresh calendar ready to be filled with new adventures and discoveries...the next chapter of my journey.  Anna, you are so right that life is sometimes wrought with ambiguity and/or moments of great clarity, but it is the time in between that we live our lives and mold us into who we are.
 
This has been a year of recognition, as I suppose every year is in its own right, but this year seems more significant than others.  One full of larger recognitions about my reality and relationship to my daily routines.  The last several weeks have been spent with a pen and my journal, sorting through my thoughts and the directions they take me in any given day.  I am focusing on reminding myself of the importance of sitting with my discomfort and unanswered questions...and appreciating the process of moving through these moments in my life.  I spend a lot of time sorting through things in my head, searching for resolution to the things that make my heart swirl, but sometimes there are no easy answers or conclusions available and I hope to learn to view these periods as a time of rest and reflection, as opposed to discomfort that must be immediately resolved. Life is full of mystery...the unknown.  Not a damn thing we can do to change this truth.

My experiences in life leading up to this moment share the wisdom of this beautiful cyclical process in life-the fluid movement through space and time allowing me to grow from this discomfort I am experiencing and have experienced before, and not to forget...joy alike.  I must trust this cycle.  I think human nature is flawed as our compulsion seems to be pursuit of a place in the world where life is always good.  Acknowledging that this is not so, and never will be seems more helpful than harmful to me.  It does not mean that I neglect my blessings, or deny myself happiness as it creeps into my periods of struggle, but it does mean accepting that this is life.  A collage of darkness and light and all the colors in between. 

I feel myself growing stronger and healthier all the time, and instead of celebrating this process I keep finding myself with my eyes on moments not yet shaped by time.  I know the power of existing in the present moment and finding peace where I am.  I also know the dangers of leaving this moment and jumping ahead...(while I believe in the importance of dreams and goals in life)...looking forward with expectations of certain outcomes presents many hiccups in my relationship with this life.  I want to avoid hiccups, and so I will continue to strengthen my practice of being present--gently acknowledging the concerns and uncertainty that sweep through me daily, but allowing them to remain fluid and continue on...making room for more healthy thoughts to occupy my mind.

 I am including some of my favorite photos from 2010.  A collage of some of our family's moments; a collection of my blessings this past year.  Despite some hardship, it was a good year full of love, laughter and adventure!  My hope for 2011 is to find my heart open and understanding of the direction my life will take me and the wonder it has to offer.

I am sitting on the top bunk next to my fabulous boys playing with each other...demonstrating the simplicity and joy of existing in each moment.  They sure make me smile, and so I think I will close here and spend a little time re-connecting with my inner child. ;)

Reveal what you hold for me life; I welcome it!  I trust this process...

Happy New Year to you all!  May 2011 bring an abundance of health, happiness and growth!

Peace, love, light and gratitude

L.

Snow Falls

Outside snow falls and my heart swirls just as the snowflakes falling to the ground.  I am having one of those periods in my life where the universe seems to be testing me and my commitment to the words I seek to cloak myself in daily:
One- Life is fluid and ever changing- all you will ever know is this moment; you can't count on the future
Two- Trust all things are as they should when you are working hard in your life to make the best choices for yourself and your family
Three- Love with all your heart...even when pain may be met on the other side of things; and understand that it will be no matter how hard you try to avoid it
Four- Be honest about who you are and what you feel; live the most authentic life possible
Five- I can only control my actions- nothing more, nothing less
Six-  Life is beautiful and the foundation is simple, but this does not exist without moments of extraordinary suffering and hardship; and when you arrive in these moments you must be prepared to work hard to restore the light in your life
Seven-  The darker days assist to make the beautiful ones that much brighter; a humbled life keeps us anchored
Eight-  Even if I don't understand this moment and its challenges, accepting that it is what it is and remembering that life will continue on beyond this moment is my responsibility
Nine- It is possible to love your life and meet most days with a heart full of gratitude, but still feel very sad some days and disconnected from the larger reality- this truth does not have to disrupt my core
Ten- This too shall pass and after the snow falls, there will be sunshine again and I will be greeted by a new day full of possibility and wonder
Eleven-  Trust that if you are doing the very best that you can in every moment; it is okay if you sometimes look back and realize some choices were mistakes- be confident that even with detours, life will still reveal its best path, just with an alternative itinerary
Twelve- Be open to life because sometimes it will throw you curve balls you never even imagined for yourself- (always keep soul shaking music handy to help you navigate the curve balls)
Lucky Thirteen- Trust your heart; it understands what is best for you, even if it leads you into the shadows before revealing the light

Peace be,

L.            

CROSSROADS

So here I sit at a crossroads in my life.  Wondering how to distinguish between my head and heart.  I know there should be a marriage between the two voices and the wisdom they impart upon me, but with this one I think I need to hear from my heart.  When discussing things with my mom today she was speaking from her head initially, but there was a moment when she paused and said, "On one hand though, I would encourage you to listen to your gut (the mind's eye) because it sure seems to have steered you in the right direction most of your life."  I feel very fortunate and extremely grateful this is so.  Now if my gut would just get its shit together and communicate with me a little more clearly...

I have been edgy the last few days with the boys; starting to feel that winter frustration of previous years trump the compassion I am going for this year.  I don't know if this is just part of the cycle or a symptom of the larger shift I am examining at this moment in my life.  Perhaps that does not matter, it's probably both.  Either way, I was a total grouch tonight with the boys after arriving home from Capoeira.  (Just a side note: it is totally bizarre how completely satisfying it feels in the moment to indulge my desire to be mean...it freaks me out sometimes.  That darkness in me.) So anyway, as Brayden was getting his jams on and coming over to brush teeth and say good-night, I apologized to him for being a grouch.  He was so tender about it; so completely understanding and he just hugged me and asked me what was wrong.

I started talking with him about some of the big questions I am grappling with and how awful I feel that sometimes I am a grouchy mama.  Then, BAM, there were the tears...streaming steadily down my face as if there was some point in my eye where suddenly the water met a ledge and crashed down like a waterfall.  And I just could not stop for several minutes, and my eyes puffed up and felt super heavy...and then there it was: THE relief.  THE deeper breath.  My boys just snuggled me for a minute.  I asked Brayden if he would give me a really awesome gift tonight at bed time, and understand that tonight, more than most in some time, I really needed him to just do everything that I ask of him, and to go to bed with Cooper...no fits or distractions.  He gave me another hug and nodded-  held a brief pow-wow with Coop and explained the game plan.  Then to my great pleasure, it worked.  They brushed teeth, snuggled and read a story and then I asked for hugs and kisses, our family signs and then headed happily off to bed together.

It is pretty incredible how much emotional awareness that kiddo has.  He is a very old soul, that one.

Ha!  Bman is poking his little head shyly around the corner, just barely so I can see him.  I paused and asked him what he was doing and told him I was just writing about how awesome it was that he went to bed when I asked and his response was that he wanted me to read my story I was writing, to him.  (Obviously, I wasn't done and explained this).  He requested that I share it with him when I am finito.  I think that is cute he wants to hear my stories.  :)  I love this blogging thing. I just continue to journal, but there is something more liberating about journaling publicly...a freedom I find writing my words here.  It's like I am letting a bird out of its cage to fly freely.  I think keeping my own record is certainly important for certain topics...(not exactly sure what those are yet, but I am sure there will come a time in my life when I do.)  Here, I feel like I have truly expressed my thoughts in a way that only communicating to myself in writing does not; cannot.  Even though it may never get read; it is the illusion that it has been let go...shared...purged from within me.  I do feel "heard" and that is perfectly, perfect in these moments.

I was up until nearly 4am working on a project for a 2nd job interview I had today.  I am beat now; and the interview was great.  Now time to hit the sack and see if my dreams can help me with some soul searching at this crossroads in my life.  

L.

Unanswered Questions

I had the rare opportunity the other day to speak with a very old friend of mine, (one who stole my affections a time or two during my adolescence), about one of those unanswered questions that found its way into my life's backpack and remained there all these years.  It was an interesting experience getting the question answered.  On one hand, it was relieving because it answered the question, but on another hand it was a slight interruption because I don't exist in the world that the question answered, anymore.  And so there really was no way to reconcile the nagging sensation that lingered all of those years; and perhaps it was never a nagging question anyway, but simply a curiosity.  I have a few more questions from my life in Oklahoma that are unanswered, but perhaps I will acknowledge that those exist as they intended to, and shelf them for now.  I am beginning to understand what my mom was wishing I could understand as a child, during those moments of suffering, when she would rock me and sing, "Let It Be" by the Beatles. 

Spring flowers always remind me that we can start again; fresh and beautiful.  That all things past only shape us; but do not dictate our future.

This got me thinking about memory and history, and how both are a matter of perception really.  For so many years, my reflection of my young life in Oklahoma was a handful of painful memories, and trauma.  The other day I sat wondering how much of my "trauma" was simply a reinforcing of my "momentary" suffering.  Looking back on my childhood now- I see an amazing family, friends, some of whom are still a part of my life today (thankfully), exploration, sports, LOVE and laughter...and then I remember the insecurity.   That word-insecurity-something so many of us are plagued by in our youth, perhaps some of us still.

Insecurity is such a manipulative and controlling beast within us; but I do believe it is within us.  It is not an external force that creates insecurity for us, but an internal force that reacts to the external forces/experiences we encounter.  If I had learned to communicate with myself better about my relationship with those external forces growing up-would Oklahoma have been so painful an experience?  Probably not.  Would my memories and experiences have been something entirely different?  I imagine quite a bit.

I was taking a shower this morning and thinking about how light I felt- in general- how light life feels.  Even on those less than stellar days; and despite the fact that I am intensely aware of some of the suffering in my own community, country and our world.  I think I feel light because I continue to get better at recognizing what I can control and that which I can't.  I get better at honoring my feelings and confronting them as they arise in me. And I do this with others in my life when something needs to be said, too.  This keeps me feeling light because I have no pink elephants sitting on my shoulders.  No baggage or unresolved issues.  It is amazing how damn heavy those things can be.  This process has been a work in progress for about five years now, but it becomes far less terrifying, and instead, quite relieving the more I practice this.

This raven sat with me for a minute and when he flew off, I remember thinking it must be incredible to be so free!

So back to trauma; and I speak of mine only.  I would never want to be dismissive of anybody's experiences.  We each have our own process.  Today, I remember two (not 18 years of) traumatic events- one very personal and another, my parents divorce.  I will let go of all the others; and even the divorce now.  That too, makes perfect sense.   The other is so deep inside me; I cannot access the trauma, but not for lack of trying.  I suppose I trust that will resolve itself when it is time.  I am open to speaking with it anytime its ready to show its ugly face and leave me alone.  Until then, I gently acknowledge that it is part of me, but not something that defines me.

Today, I sit calmly, quietly (I am going through one of those anti-social phases: these often indicate change is on the horizon), and smile inside while looking outside my front window.  My boys soar around the house in their dragon costumes and I wonder how I will be able to best support them as they navigate those thrilling (wink, wink) adolescent years.

See no evil; hear no evil, Brother!  I know I cannot protect them from life's struggles, but I can teach them to rely on the best in themselves, and trust that after every fall-they will rise again because that is life.

Pancakes; a love story

There is a general air of affection around my house.  Something I am grateful for especially on those days where everyone really just wants to scream at each other and find some space from one another before an unwelcome WWF show comes to our very own house.

Aaron coaches basketball during the winters and has, in fact, since we have been married.  I suppose that makes me a coach's wife. It was not so hard (specifically the coaching) when we lived in Maine because I coached, too and we were working at a boarding school where we were wrapped in a protective community-(whether for better or worse, depended on the day), so support was available when needed.  But since living in SLC, it has been extremely hard for me.  Something I have struggled with every winter since we have lived here.

Aaron and I are both extremely tired and overworked during this season in our lives, and we experience our hardship largely alone due to our schedules.  He is on his feet all day teaching, then goes straight to basketball practice for 3 hours, coming home nearly 12 hours after stepping out the front door.  I struggle for many reasons; the first, and most obvious is that it leaves me to do everything for the household (and I say this in the most loving sense I could mean that): get the kids breakfast, dress them, wrangle them into the car, oh...and wait- that's right, I need to pack them a super healthy lunch and pack up the school bag, then drop them off.

Now work...ahh, it's quiet and peaceful here and I sneak in a couple of deep breaths before getting lost in work..."SHIT!"  I say in my head as I realize I have 5 minutes to get across town to get the boys by 5pm.  So, I rush out of work to get the boys on-time, (though I am 10 minutes late).  Surrender my train of thought on that important email I was sending out...get the boys from school.

Wait, Capoeira is in five minutes back on the other side of town. "Here B, (I throw him the Capoeira uniform after rushing inside the house to let the dogs out and feed them) change in the car", I say. We get to Capoeira 10 minutes late, I think, "Well, we live on the other side of town, no point in going home...no errands to run.  I think Cooper and I should just stay.  Besides, it's so much fun to watch."  So we do, and then I spend the whole time wrangling (again, remember this morning?), Cooper.  Thank goodness Capoeira is over--FOR ME--sorry, Brayden, but Cooper was really stressing me out.  I wink in my mind.  (I do recognize there are some inefficiencies in my planning of the days when Capoeira is happening for B.  "Why not throw the uniform in the car?  Or leave work on time to not rush?  Why not both?"  Details, details.  I am working on that piece, too.  But baby steps.

Now heading home, "I hungry," Cooper yells in the most obnoxiously, assertive way possible, nearly the whole way home.  Already feeling frazzled when we get in the door, before the door even shuts, Cooper yanks my shirt and looks up at me with those amazing round, puppy dog eyes, "Me, hungry mama," this time a tenderness, as if he knows I am overwhelmed, but needs to remind me he is REALLY hungry.  He doesn't stop yanking.

Then, not seconds later, Brayden: "Mom, can I have my chocolate?  Mom, what are we having for dinner?  Mom I can't find my allosaurus; can you help me find my allosaurus."

I step back, and I yell.  I yell at both the boys explaining to them all the things I just wrote above; and I tell them I am overwhelmed.  I have been going a mile a minute.  I say, "I need you both to give me a moment.  During the winter when Dad is gone; I am doing this all alone.  I don't have back-up when I need some help.  So I need you to help, (my voice calming from a yell) and YOU need to give me some space before the ugly green monster- (whom we all blame our misbehavior's on)- comes out in full effect."

They both acknowledge my request and quietly go downstairs to play in the basement for a bit.  I breathe, and then again.  Feeling the tension I held in my throat...release.  I don't feel like yelling anymore; and I miss Aaron.  I want a hug; his hug...now.

I collect myself and finish the evening off with a fabulously nutritious Kale Salad over Quinoa sprinkled with Sunflower seeds and Red bell peppers, and I feel good. I am comforted knowing I just packed my guys full of goodness- food made with love. Food that will help their little bodies grow stronger.  The rest of the night is smooth, and happy- full of connection and laughter.

Smooth sailing right?  Ha!  And just moments before they slumber...Coop gets up from his frog potty.  I think to myself, "Really, did you seriously just drop that bomb in your toilet I now must clean out?", while saying aloud, "Yay Coop!  Way to go poop in your potty!"  I feel my shoulders drop with a sigh, and I trip over a dinosaur. I just want to sit down and be done for the day; well, with my munchkins-I still have two more hours of work emails to send out, but at least it is quiet work.  Only five more minutes until freedom.  Then it's bedtime.  They are SO beautiful when they sleep!  And so I finally sit, (this time on Batman).  :)

(Note: this summary of a day did not even touch the laundry, bills, or grocery store runs...and the upkeep of a house filled with two active boys...a small house at that!)

I know (logically) that these are the responsibilities our choices in life have given us; that neither Aaron or I are at fault for our current situation and the feelings it brings about, but (emotionally) I feel like a single mom a lot of days (during the winter), and that makes me feel very alone and resentful; or at least it did the past several years.

This year I am trying something new: thinking of Aaron with compassion in my heart.  Compassion for the exhaustion he experiences from his long days as an 8th grade teacher, and a coach.  Compassion- because this year I can let myself see how heart broken he is that he is not spending more time with us.  Compassion- because I TRUST that he is doing the absolute best that he can right now; we both are!

It is not like he's on vacation- sheesh...how selfish my perspective from years before was.  Although, I would argue this is truly an innocent selfishness; one we are all capable of feeling, perhaps even an instinctual one.  But I do see this year, how important it is that I recognize this behavior in myself and with this awareness, change my practices.  And so I do...SO FAR...this season.

This year I am not mad and resentful he is not here.  Instead I am grateful for my family and all the love between us, also super bummed and a little heart broken myself, knowing that I have to wait so long to embrace Aaron each day; to share with him my day, and hear about his.  And now when he arrives home, I hold him...and drink him in as deeply as I can so that maybe I can keep him with me longer tomorrow.  Third year is a charm, (though it is our fourth in SLC); and we reconnect.  We remember what it feels like to fall in love.

Reminder to self: (come back here when you need to)- Remember everything is always going to be okay.  Even when it's not.  Our roots are happy and strong...grounded.  Like the Ferris Wheel, we all go around and round, passing different emotional points on our unique rides, fluidly.  Steadily.  Remembering the wheel always spins back around and we won't be in this 'moment' for long.

And...SO, back to the pancakes.  This morning, Brayden, Cooper and I made delicious, fresh berry pancakes.  Brayden poured the batter in the pan, I flipped the pancakes with moral support (and coaching) from Brayden, and Cooper set the table. 

Aaron is out of town for basketball, but he will return tonight and I am so excited.  I was doing laundry this morning and caught his scent as I threw his shirt into the washer; (my favorite that he wears-one that is so simple and manly, yet gently shapes to the curves of his body), and pulled it back out.  I then brought it to meet my face, and inhaled.  A smile grew across my face, and I turned and  double stepped  upstairs to ask the boys if they wanted to make some yummy pancakes.  "Yes, Yes, Yes!" they chirped, bouncing happily up and down.

And so we did; and it was just what we all needed.  :)