not just another yoga post...

The boys just left this afternoon on an airplane with Nonni to head to Denver for the next six days.  They have only been gone for 6 hours or so, yet it feels as if it has been a lifetime already...but in the most healthy and fulfilling way.  And it assures me our reunion will be amazing.  In this short lifetime, I have fantasized about all that I will "get" to do while they are away.  I find I have a hard time resting during these periods because I suddenly have the freedom to walk out the front door with only my coat and keys...and I can go ANYWHERE!  To yoga,

        to the bar (though I never find myself here anymore...we are always in a cozy house one of my fabulous friends own, and it is almost always only really close, amazing friends who surround me or new really quality and warm new friends I am just meeting...and we have the most thoughtful, funny, loving and interesting conversations ever.  I almost always walk out saying aloud how grateful I am for such good people in my life and affirming to them how much I do LOVE them.  In the most sincere and heartfelt way.  I only say I love you to the people in my life who I do, as in actively love you with my heart.),

          to the grocery store, a movie, I can window shop (I never can go into stores with the boys, though there are not many I want to go in, but when I get that wild hair...it's insane.  Coop Diddy is a maniac, but damn he is cute.)  The very long point being, I have my life back in a very selfish way.  A very natural and healthy way, and so I nurture myself during this time and do just what I need to do, or perhaps want to do.  Of course, in a responsible way...I won't being going Office Space style and walking out on my job.

So now I circle back to the subject of my thoughts: discovering freedom by letting go.

My life has been very different lately, things are shifting in a very large way in my life and I have truly recognized in the most respectful way, just how little control we have in our lives.  Not that I did not understand that before, but I fought it.  Thought maybe if I tried hard enough there would be some way I could figure out how to trick that truth, manipulate it in a way that I could control that which was not able to be controlled.  So I have been surrendering more and more, and in that I find freedom.  A quietness that is deep and true- that I trust to care for me as I navigate this new space in my life.  I let go of the illusion and suddenly there is a clarity and a simplicity that was not present before.  I sit with this.

So I went to yoga tonight at 8:30pm (after a wonderful hour long conversation-ihatetalkingonthephonemelikeyfacetofacetime- with one of my dearest friends, Zoe who I have been playing phone tag with for about a month.  She lives in NY and I miss her all the time)...so 8:30pm- best time for ME to do yoga.  I recognize for others that time perhaps sounds excruciating.  I like the nights, very mellow, the light is warm and soothing, and people seem to bring a more gentle energy to the room.  I have tried several 4pm classes and found I personally felt like there was a hectic energy, as if people still had work on their minds and could not quite relax, get outside of their heads for a bit.  The light is so much different, too. Bright and active, and while I am absolutely a sun worshiper, it is not the right light for the space I need to have my deepest practice at this period of my life. Though I imagine one day, I may transition to a time in my life when that is my class time, and it suits my life at that moment.

      Then there is the 9am class, which is full of renewed, perky and motivated energy.  You can always feel that people are welcoming a new day with enthusiasm.  It feels great, but some days I am not yet mentally ready to work that hard.  To push myself to wake up with that level of intensity.  However, sometimes this class works for me on the weekends.  Perhaps I would enjoy this more on weekdays if I did not have to take care of the boys in the AM.  Who knows...who cares I suppose.  It does not fit into my life at this moment, (though it could tomorrow).   And, perhaps I will go tomorrow morning...however, I am not committing.  I am focusing on honoring the space I need to be in right now, especially as the boys are gone...and this is a genuine option for me.

Okay, back from my yoga tangent (or perhaps not)- I got home from class tonight feeling so wonderful.  Class kicked my ass and pushed me farther than I have been in sometime.  There was sweat dripping from my forehead as I pushed beyond my physical and mental discomfort and let go further...and there I would find myself in a brand new space in those poses.  A place I had never made it before!  A place I could not go before because I did not have the mental toughness to push through that discomfort, to honor my core strength- tap into it to really push myself to breathe through this sensation.  Let go of my resistance to this discomfort and welcome it, and from there I go deeper.

Yoga is one of many practices that embodies life in such an honest form.  For me, yoga is a deeply spiritual experience, though it has not always been.  For a long time, it was a mental battle with myself because I could never get out of my head, let go of my ego and self awareness.  I would always judge where I was and push myself because I wanted to be a badass yogi, not because I was moving with my body as it was capable that day.  I have now learned to shut down my thoughts, find my breath and honor my body.  Some days I feel so strong and fluid, other days I shake and can't hold a pose I rocked the day before...and that is just dandy!  This connection to my body, and the control over my thoughts that comes from learning how to let them go, has been very empowering, restorative and healing. I find myself sitting with more calm in my daily life.  Working toward all things from a place of compassion and with peacefulness in my heart.  The effects of my yoga practice guide me through my day, and I find myself returning to my "yoga space" periodically throughout the day to get through a moment or two.

So when I returned home tonight, the house looked like my sons' house still.  Toys strewn about, the random adorable little man sock lying around.  A tiger on the bathroom sink.  And so I began to clean our home.  I threw the toys in our frightening playroom in the basement and I reclaimed the top floor of my house.  Then moving on to the kitchen were I noticed the Cooper fingerprints all over the wall and dishwasher...and I finally cleaned them.  As I cleaned them, I realized that I don't see these things when the boys are home, probably because I cannot let myself.  I have to let go when they are home- I have to let go of the fact that there are going to be fingerprints on my walls and dishwasher despite my best efforts to teach them not to drag their fingers across and make pictures with their dirty little hands.  Though sounds fun for them. ;)
                                                  I have to let go to find comfort in my space as it exists and embrace the things that I can control such as the dishes and wiping the counters while surrendering to the little details like fingerprints.  The house now feels very clean and calm, and so I will enjoy it until next Wednesday when my munchkins come back to reclaim the joint.

And, this weekend will feel so nice.  So much more I can control in MY life this weekend, because there are not two little spirits who need my attention, my affections- my life directly.  Nonni and Papa will enjoy them, and give them the most focused and loving attention the next few days...

and so, I will do that for myself as well.  And both these things make me very happy!

Namaste,

L.