How often do we lead ourselves astray looking outside of ourselves for resolution? Trust...an interesting concept. How do we truly offer trust to another when there may be places internally that communicate that it does not exist outside of us? I often seek out guidance from my beautiful friends, but my gut so often communicates all too clearly with me about what it understands about the world and my relationships. At what point, do I heed my mind's eye and stop talking...start listening to what I already know. They have so much to offer me, but many of our conversations are not worth their time. I have this incessant desire to process my world, when often I think it is my inability to sit with my discomfort and patiently wait for a sign, communication or resolution to manifest naturally, that causes the wheels to turn. I do not need you, or you, or even me to tell me where to go. I need to go when I am moved, I need to TRUST that all is well because I am open to my path and freely flowing. When I am stalled, or uncomfortable- well- that is a part of life. If I have looked and realize that all is right, and I have humbly accepted all that I have contributed to my situation, then there is no need to go further. Let it go, shut up. This too shall pass. I realize that processing, attempting to find words for my feelings to process the situation with another is quite silly, really. What do we have to offer others in these situations? What am I looking for from them? I don't know. How often do I just find them hearing me differently than I intended for them to and feeling misunderstood, and sometimes more uncomfortable?
Here I am, today, on this lovely November evening 2011, feeling transformed. A butterfly; one still pumping blood to my wings. Still struggling to discontinue, unlearn and break old patterns of behavior. Still mindfully learning to ignore the chattering that tells me not to sit peacefully with the discomfort, but rather feebly and foolishly attempt to conduct the cacophony inside my mind. And some days I can break those cycles, I do. Other days, perhaps not so well, but it is far more quiet these days than ever before. The stillness provides comfort and confirmation that I can grow, and have grown. I should never doubt the wisdom inside me, it is ancient and knows its place. I am just still learning how to TRUST it to have its place in my world.
Namaste,
L.
