stories

This cycle started just a week ago, and now it was resolved.  A marked improvement from our past cycles, and the space between them was nearly a year- it was incredible to feel the growth between us.  Each time the ebb of the tide pulled away a little less, just like a pendulum swinging back to its resting space.

I recognized every time that there was something to learn, an opportunity for greater compassion, and deeper, more vulnerable love.  And so I feared the cycles less, and trusted that this moment was only temporary, very temporary.  I moved forward.

Downstairs, I heard the banging, crashes and giggles of young boys being boys in my basement.  It was a sound that reminded me of a truth in life: that we all need and desire different things, and far be it our business to ever try and control each other.  The mother in me leaps out, screaming, "but they are children and they must learn to be respectful, aware of others and the house- more "adult-like"'.  My spirit rushes back into my blood and I realize I should not fear allowing them this space to express themselves authentically, to be wild boys wrestling in the basement.  I shouldn't fear this because they will understand all the lessons we try to 'force' on them simply because I am modeling them.  Because I hold that respectful space for them to meet in, and soon their energy will match mine, and we will meet in love, with desire to work together.  It is the disconnection from each other that causes the challenges to erupt.

The dog pants restlessly on this hot desert summer day, and I look out the window.  I notice how beautiful the sunshine is against my green grass.  The leaves rustle and wave to me, beckoning me to join them in the shady breeze outside.  I smile, and remember some of life's simple wisdom, "Honor yourself in all things you do.  In every choice you make, every embrace you share, in every breath that you breathe, and you will be free.  You will be love."

I was suddenly pulled from my train of thoughts, and the hypnotic dance in my heart that was occurring as I engaged the trees outside.  The clanks in the basement captured my attention again, and the leaves stop waving for a moment.  I felt it was time to play with my boys now.  I stood up to head downstairs.

The leaves begin nodding again, as if to confirm I had made the right choice.  Then, just as I began to head toward the boys, they appeared.  We all were headed in the same direction.  The synchronicity of it all enchanted me, and I understood everything very clearly now.

Moments later, he came home bearing special treats from the store.  The back door opened, and he joined me on the porch with two rum cocktails.  His drink made with dark soda- mine light.  Balance in our home had been restored.  Now to sit quietly as I etch this memory, and the wholeness it brings to my life, in my heart.  We must always remember these moments, they are real- and they are the true fabric of our lives.

REMEMBERING balance...

I have been less active than usual on here the past week or so in an effort to rest, reflect, unplug and attempt to re-balance myself. Having just returned from a short vacation last week, I had a lot of time to sit with myself, silently and reflectively. I was able to slow down enough to find space in my life, and pull myself out of the current I had allowed myself to get swept away by recently, and the current I choose to ride was a very chaotic, and exhausting one, with little balance.

In the beginning, I convinced myself that I was just working really hard, and it was a good thing- my business was growing efficiently, I was juggling all these balls at once, things were happening- sweet! But on the back side, I realized I was becoming swept away by my own need to create and stimulate myself, push my mission forward, but at an unnatural pace. I went from riding the flow, and answering my spirits call to action- to forcing it, instead of nurturing its growth. I fully realized that left no space in my life energetically for my work and business to manifest. For new things to come into my life.

I had also pushed everything, and everyone I was no longer feeding out of my life. Poof, the balance I've known so well for the past year or so because I have practiced gratitude daily, lived in love, with hope and optimism- nearly gone. The balance I created because I honored boundaries and practiced presence and engagement with an array of aspects in my life- not just one- hung by a fine thread.

I fully accept the ways in which I had allowed myself to get off course. Until today, it had been a few weeks since I was down on the ground playing with my little men. My insomnia ramped back up because I did not make it a point to unplug, my partner and I were spending little time hanging out because I was always "working", and I certainly was not taking care of myself- no hikes, no yoga, random meditations only, my healthy diet was growing less consistent because I was always on the go- in general, I had quit playing with this life.

So now, I have unplugged from that exhausting, unbalanced, robotic existence, and start to create boundaries again. I choose to focus on having clear and healthy boundaries within all aspects of my life. I will make more time to get down with my dudes. I will create time in my life to play. I will spend less time on the computer, and more time with myself- hiking, cooking, dancing, gardening, etc. It is now time for me to shift back.

And the clear lesson I was reminded of this past month, is that life can be so blissful and so beautiful, but you MUST PRACTICE DAILY- the things that make it so- you have to ENGAGE life in the ways you want to see it unfold. You are the CREATOR of your experience here, that is a truth best not denied.

Much love and peace my friends,

Lindsay

Speaking frankly about partnership...

Every day I learn with more clarity, the art of partnership.

 
Some lessons learned about PARTNERSHIP:
1.)  Be love first always, and when you cannot offer that, step away and be with yourself because there is something within you not being honored that is taking the ability away from you to offer LOVE to your partner.  Find your discomfort, identify it, and work to resolve it.

2.)  Even when you are hurt, do not offer and return that to the other.  Be bigger, bolder, stronger, and bow out.  Hold space for them to return to heart-center with you.

3.)  Always forgive, unless it is time to forget.  Then release them, and move on if you truly deserve better.  If you have shifted, honored, and owned, and your partner still holds you hostage, then they are not your partner.  Release yourself, be free from that, and move on...then always come back to a space of forgiveness, and once again, release yourself from all pain and disconnection- forgiveness offered to them is really peace offered to yourself.  It is noble; and beautifully self-serving in the most nurturing way, too.  Fabulous- sign me up!  :)

4.)  Understand that no matter how humble, engaged, forgiving, generous and loving you are- sometimes you will travel different paths, and respond to beats of a different drum.  This truth need not cause turmoil, rather communicate to you that all things are healthy- and remind you that you honor each others private journeys, and must depend FIRST, and foremost, on your connection to self.  Keep it strong.

5.)  Talk often and always about who you are, what you want, how you feel, what you need, what you dream of- never hesitate to speak your truth, but remember to always come from a heart-centered place.  If you truly cannot come from a heart-centered place, ask yourself why, and pause.  Pause and acknowledge (aloud if possible) that you have let some part of your foundation become unstable.  Step away. Resolve it, then ask again what your heart requires and needs from your partner moving forward...THEN speak.  If you lose it before you are able to step away, and have to throw something at them make sure it is not breakable or would hurt them- I prefer a tissue, or piece of junk mail.  :)  Then apologize, and review the above items again.

6.)  If you find yourself alone, and without your partner- enjoy it!  Take the time to re-connect with yourself, your independent dreams and goals- cherish your disconnection because it reminds you that on the other side of this incredible partnership, is only you.  YOU will never leave, YOU will always be required to rely on, and trust, yourself to lead you in your life.  Stay acquainted with YOU. A theme is building here... :)

7.)  Fill your partnership with gratitude and awareness, and release expectations of one another to be something different.  Embrace all that you are, and can be, but don't draw lines in the sand for each other.  Hold space.  I can't say that enough- HOLD SPACE.  Leave things lovingly at each others "door steps", but don't change the lock secretly and expect that they hold your new key.

8.)  Until you learn all of this, and more, of course- know and always remember, you will have hard times, but that does not mean your soulful union is not real.  You absolutely know if it is, and if you doubt or question that it ever was, it probably never was.  Soulful union is so deep, pure and true that once you have it, life is lighter, you fully embrace yourself- scars and all, and well, you FART in front of each other sometimes, and it's all GOOD.  :)  And, if you don't pass the occasional gas- either you have a flawless diet, or you are holding something very natural and relieving in, be free together- bust a move! ;)

9.)  Laugh as often as you can, and especially at yourself when you become off-balance, disconnected, rude, or otherwise a pain in the ass.  Soulful partnership requires an incredible amount of patience, self-responsiblity, vulnerability, humility, and LOVE.  Be love.

Soulful partnership is BEAUTIFUL!

Soulful partnership asks, requires actually, the grace and understanding of a free and heart-centered person.  It says with the most sincerity and absence of judgment that can be said, "I love and honor you, but sometimes disagree or cannot relate to you".  To offer someone, and honor someone, in this kind of spiritual union, means you release yourself from the responsibility that I have come to realize, is only required of the ego.  The ego demands resolution, relief from discomfort or responsibility, and it looks to outside forces for those things, or to blame.  When you can move into a heart space, you understand the beauty and gravity of discomfort when it arises.  You trust your ability to grow and learn from your mistakes.  You live in a space virtually free of self doubt, but rather courage and commitment to pursue your best.  Seldom do you need to apologize or fumble here, which is brilliant~ the more aligned- the more peaceful and steady, and on target, you behave.  What a beautiful thing!


In love, Be love, I am love,

Lindsay

Our present is simply our past manifested...

I was speaking with a friend tonight- we are both writers, and both soulful and deeply spiritual beings.  An ancient journal of mine that recently resurfaced ended up on the table as we talked tonight.  As we were flipping through it and I was sharing bits and pieces that were poignantly relevant to our conversation, I came across an entry I wrote in September of 2009 that facilitated the birth of my blog, though I did not realize it at the time.  It got me thinking about how things come to fruition.

It truly is our thoughts that create our world, and its guiding vibration.  Back in 2009, I was really struggling with a handful of things: depression and old, ill-serving patterns particularly- yet despite the emotional roller coaster ride I traveled frequently, I believed and thought that life was something far greater, richer, and more engaging than the experiences and emotions I was being swept away by all too often; and so, over time, I found my way back to that reality.

The thoughts created the strength and space in me required to confront and heal the wounded places in my soul and psyche, so that I could be restored, integrated and re-emerge in this life- a new woman- humbled, alive, fearless, grateful, engaged, weightless, free- full of love and light. 

Recognize that this moment- this perhaps, uncomfortable and challenging time, has already been created. So even as you may be suffering in it- any work you do from this moment forward, your heartfelt beliefs, and guiding thoughts can lead you from this place of discomfort and you CAN shift your future. Our present is simply our past manifested. Things can always change, but you must plant the seeds of new life, and water them. You must also weed your garden bed, or the weeds will keep re-emerging, imposing on the growth and development of those new seeds...

For you Cai- the journal entry that inspired this blog: Subway Lights

9/13/09
The sounds of my life-
I wish I could record them for you- to hold in your heart.
I watch Cooper James & Bman chase each other around the house-
a laugh extending from Cooper that is deep & full.
A rainbow of emotions flit through my body-
like lights flashing through the night windows on a subway.
It is funny how out of touch I can sometimes get with my feelings.
The rhythmic pulsing, the shift in note-
hard to trust,
get comfortable with.
The space in my breath decreases,
constricted by the night without stars, or even the moon.
I must find my light again,
reach out for the sun...
FILL me up...
it will- until it burst from my fingertips.
Find that vibration expelling goodness,
find its rhythmic pulse.
Don't lose that note.
Breathing now...
Deep,
FULL...
breathing now.
I find my beat again- I remember.
I am on my way back.
LOVE!

May your own recognitions of the light and darkness, and the full spectrum we will travel at different moments throughout our lifetime, allow you to remain grounded and strong, authentic and raw despite whatever challenge life honors you with.  You are never alone in your journey- we have all been asked to rise from the ashes. 

Peace be,

Lindsay

bless the darkness...

I think sometimes we create this idea that there is one way to live, a moral code that makes us & others wrong or right, & when times in our lives ask or require, or even demand through ugly circumstance that we deviate from that, we judge...OURSELVES, & often through others.

It is during these times of low energy, darkness, & shifting within our own experiences that the worst in others emerges, but if we can remember that there is no RIGHT way to have a human experience- there is no requirement that must be met to graduate to the next level, we would be so much better off.

An authentic experience is full of highs and lows, it does not hide from the shadow or the light, rather embraces them both, & accepts the lessons each have to offer- the messages.

Blissful, soulful living does not require you to deny your struggles, or believe & focus on ONLY your positive moments in this life- IT asks you to be REAL, & heartfelt, & honor all that you are...the LIGHT inside, along with the DARKNESS. 

There is no shame in hosting your shadow for some time. In fact, there is freedom & love in it because it holds the key to our truth; our conversations, struggles, recognitions not yet fully actualized. Bring them to the light & all will be well- your darkness is your gas light, reminding you when you are low and needing to be fed, fueled, or given a break. It says that some form of attention is needed internally.

From all the words, thoughts, actions, instructions floating around this world- please take only two things:

ONE- the things that RESONATE with YOU & FEEL right or so wrong you cannot deny its truth ;)
&
TWO- that YOU ARE POWERFUL beyond your greatest understanding. You do & will continue to create your life, & do the work required for your growth when you are ready- OR you won't & you will stay stuck, stagnant, frustrated & angry. YOU can & will shift your perception, words, actions in time as you are ready, & because our world needs it. No pressure, but certainly when the time is right I hope, as many do, you will choose a blissful, soulful engaged life... ;)

Please don't ever fear anything in yourself, even in that moment of fear (LOVE it & welcome your feelings, but remind yourself you are okay)- it can all change & you can be whole & integrated- fearless. Fearless does not mean never having fear creep into your life, it means you say hello to it as it arrives & then step THROUGH it into your next space along the journey.

You are all you need & have in this life, don't let this being 'human' thing convince you more is needed. When you move back into your heart space, & live openly with LOVE, compassion and authentic awareness- you have arrived & WE are ONE. :)

All my love to each of you, and MYSELF, as we wade through our sludge &/or sunshine & every potential stop in between...

Yours in sacred, loving service,

Lindsay

we are powerful beyond words...

The reason it is so scary to own your own power is because once you do, you can no longer blame things outside of yourself for who you are and what you'll become. You realize you must take ownership for all things that happen to you and in your life.

We invite and attract the very things which provide the lessons we need in order to transcend our current hardships. The brilliance, and frustration, in this beautiful, divine plan is that the lessons get harder, louder and more painful the longer you wait to hear them. Listen to the whisper before it becomes the thunder.

All spiritual practices indicate to us in one form or another that life is constantly testing our allegiance and trust in heaven. The more the ground beneath us shakes, the greater our chances of looking up. Look up, EVERYDAY, in each moment. Know and trust you are part of the Divinity that wraps its self around us and feeds our life. The sunshine, the bees, the flowers and the trees. Be ONE with it, and you will be unshakable. You will know heaven...the rest will all, but fall away.

You have the power to shift things in your life, and peel away the chaos that envelopes you, by stepping into your power and releasing veils of the past so that you can SEE clearly YOUR vision of the future.

You are a DIVINE and SOULFUL being, and 'you' always have been. Now remember it, and honor it- treat yourself as such. Treat life as such, and you will know heaven as it exists in each moment you allow it to.

WAKE UP, LOOK UP, and LIVE INSIDE YOURSELF!

Namaste,

Lindsay

Moments of Recognition...

If we could always come back to the place we exist in when our deep recognitions arrive...we would become virtually unshakable- solid as freakin' rocks.

I have been feeling super low energy the last few days, just not my dapper self.  Been noticeably short with my dudes, just not very open in my engagements with them, sort of distant.  In these times it is often because it is so easy to get swept away by the emotions, and the stories that accompany them in the moment.  They (the stories) usually include for me, that the irritations I am feeling are BECAUSE of someone else- usually those monkeys climbing around my house...but, of course it is not their fault.  It is mine.

I have not been speaking up for myself and advocating for the time and care I need right now, nor have I been honoring my body's request for it.  So here I am sick, tired, moody for a few days, and I finally sit down.  I go and find my own quiet space and I write- often the best medicine for my soul.  Tomorrow I will re-start my yoga practice, and I will take Guinness for a hike.  I will apologize to my monkeys for not communicating better during this time, and asking for the space I needed, but instead letting my stories about them shift my energy to funky- instead of simply resting and nurturing myself; checking in with my feelings and figuring out their orgins.

Now that I have paused, and taken some space for myself, I recognize what is really happening in me emotionally.  I am feeling a shift in our house- we are all about to go our own ways for a while, or I suppose have been for a few days now- on new adventures.  Aaron's passion is being ignited by coaching- he is inspired, and he steps away from me...he engages his spirit and feeds his passion.

That is all it is- it is not about me- he is not forgetting who he is, he is REMEMBERING.  And my discomfort towards him is because I am now adjusting to him shifting away.  He has been so engaged with me, and curious and supportive of my journey- he has been giving me LOTS of fabulous attention.  Suddenly, it is not there the way it was.  He is not as available to me in the ways he was, and I deeply enjoyed and loved his attention. 

And, perhaps I am still settling into our beautiful 10 year partnership, finally trusting and knowing at a soulful level, that he will come back soon.  He will walk his path for awhile, without me.  I know his path is beautiful and perfect, even when I cannot always find myself on it with him.  In fact, I know how important it is that we sometimes walk alone. 

The discomfort I have felt the last few days, is my own, and now I have paused and acknowledged the different feelings moving through me, so I can let them rest now- release them to go on their way now.  I will start, and continue, nurturing myself during this time so I can stay strong, and vital...awake and aware of where we are.  I will gently remind myself about how balanced and centered we can be during these times, too. 

Keep these moments of recognition close to your heart, hold the wisdom gently, but with diligence.  Remember your HOME base, and the good here because when you are home you realize everything- all the moments, the funks, the space and the distance- it's a gift- though it always could have been.  This space is full of love, honor, compassion, support, acknowledgment, soulful connection.  This is home!  And if your home does not feel this way most of the time, or never- it can, I promise. 

Been making lots of promises lately- never used to do that, must be feeling really safe- truly living close to home most of the time now.  It's no longer about putting things INTO practice- they are my practice!  It feels nice--actually, it feels amazing- and wholesome.  And so it is!

With deep gratitude and blessings,

Lindsay