And so it begins; the initial gut punch

The front page of my journal reads, "We are at Liberty to be real or unreal. We may be true or false: the choice is ours. We may wear now one mask, and now another and never, if we so desire, appear with our own true face. But we cannot make these choices with impunity. Causes have effects; and if we lie to ourselves and to others, then we cannot expect to find the truth and reality when we want them."--Thomas Merton
So I suppose it is only appropriate to start when I feel my pursuit of the truth with regard to who I am (in the most pure and honest sense of self) began...I started the journal to which I refer to above in 2004, shortly after marrying Aaron and moving across country to Maine; leaving all I knew up until that moment in my life behind, excluding Aaron, our pups, and our two fish. The people who surrounded me daily were states away, I sat next to a man formerly my lover, now officially my husband. A title that handed me a whole new perspective on the world, and a partnership that suddenly took more effort to manage than the days before we said, "I do". Oh, those first three years in Maine...what a bloody trip that was. So full of growth and new experiences; but let me be clear that growth does not come without pain and loss, moments of sheer terror and occasional immobilizing suffering. I don't often like to spend much time looking back at my three years in Maine post college for many reasons, but primarily because I have come so far from that time, and I don't really need to go back. I appreciate all the lessons learned, and the challenges and victories that were born there, but they have already shaped me, sculpted my life in beautiful ways, and I like to let it rest now, stay present as much as I can. If I ever need it, I know where to find it.

The fond memories are the people, and I still carry them with me daily, along with the colors of leaves in the fall and the profound, ever peaceful ocean (even when it rages). While I have never been much of a water girl, I could walk along the beach and feel every closed portion of my body open up, letting the freedom and vastness of the ocean pour into me. Opening the hardened places within me- to myself and the world. Time with the ocean was always such a beautifully humbling reminder of how truly insignificant I am.

Without spending too much time on that period in my life, I will share that it was a time of transformation. Moving there was like buying a fixer-up house and not having much money to work on it, so taking it piece by piece over the three year journey. Some walls internally had to be completely torn down, there was no chance a patch would do. Happily they were, and the foundation of my "house" is stronger than ever before thanks to those three heavy years.

Maine reminds me of losing a child and subsequently, much of my former self, becoming a mother, learning how to communicate and be a partner, not just a lover (much more complicated and far less romantic I discovered, despite the fact that Aaron has always been my best friend), and friendships that are deeper and more honest than most before them. Oh, the nostalgia!

So here I am today, 3.5 years after leaving the wonderful world of Maine living in the magical Salt Lake City, Utah. A land of deserts and mountains, rich in history and beauty. More to come about this amazing part of my journey later. My apologies to the great state of Maine should it have felt I was noting "Maine" as the cause of the suffering in those years; for it was simply the backdrop of events that took place. There could have been no better backdrop; I recognize this.

This blogging thing could be dangerous for me; or extraordinarily relieving. :) I have a constant chatter that swirls around my head, challenging my understanding of today, this world, even my cosmic connection to this place. It is often entertaining, and many times my saving grace, but sometimes a huge disability. Perhaps here, I can let my thoughts go- to flow as the breeze, weaving through space and time- offering us both some freedom.

And so away we go...

-L.