Unanswered Questions

I had the rare opportunity the other day to speak with a very old friend of mine, (one who stole my affections a time or two during my adolescence), about one of those unanswered questions that found its way into my life's backpack and remained there all these years.  It was an interesting experience getting the question answered.  On one hand, it was relieving because it answered the question, but on another hand it was a slight interruption because I don't exist in the world that the question answered, anymore.  And so there really was no way to reconcile the nagging sensation that lingered all of those years; and perhaps it was never a nagging question anyway, but simply a curiosity.  I have a few more questions from my life in Oklahoma that are unanswered, but perhaps I will acknowledge that those exist as they intended to, and shelf them for now.  I am beginning to understand what my mom was wishing I could understand as a child, during those moments of suffering, when she would rock me and sing, "Let It Be" by the Beatles. 

Spring flowers always remind me that we can start again; fresh and beautiful.  That all things past only shape us; but do not dictate our future.

This got me thinking about memory and history, and how both are a matter of perception really.  For so many years, my reflection of my young life in Oklahoma was a handful of painful memories, and trauma.  The other day I sat wondering how much of my "trauma" was simply a reinforcing of my "momentary" suffering.  Looking back on my childhood now- I see an amazing family, friends, some of whom are still a part of my life today (thankfully), exploration, sports, LOVE and laughter...and then I remember the insecurity.   That word-insecurity-something so many of us are plagued by in our youth, perhaps some of us still.

Insecurity is such a manipulative and controlling beast within us; but I do believe it is within us.  It is not an external force that creates insecurity for us, but an internal force that reacts to the external forces/experiences we encounter.  If I had learned to communicate with myself better about my relationship with those external forces growing up-would Oklahoma have been so painful an experience?  Probably not.  Would my memories and experiences have been something entirely different?  I imagine quite a bit.

I was taking a shower this morning and thinking about how light I felt- in general- how light life feels.  Even on those less than stellar days; and despite the fact that I am intensely aware of some of the suffering in my own community, country and our world.  I think I feel light because I continue to get better at recognizing what I can control and that which I can't.  I get better at honoring my feelings and confronting them as they arise in me. And I do this with others in my life when something needs to be said, too.  This keeps me feeling light because I have no pink elephants sitting on my shoulders.  No baggage or unresolved issues.  It is amazing how damn heavy those things can be.  This process has been a work in progress for about five years now, but it becomes far less terrifying, and instead, quite relieving the more I practice this.

This raven sat with me for a minute and when he flew off, I remember thinking it must be incredible to be so free!

So back to trauma; and I speak of mine only.  I would never want to be dismissive of anybody's experiences.  We each have our own process.  Today, I remember two (not 18 years of) traumatic events- one very personal and another, my parents divorce.  I will let go of all the others; and even the divorce now.  That too, makes perfect sense.   The other is so deep inside me; I cannot access the trauma, but not for lack of trying.  I suppose I trust that will resolve itself when it is time.  I am open to speaking with it anytime its ready to show its ugly face and leave me alone.  Until then, I gently acknowledge that it is part of me, but not something that defines me.

Today, I sit calmly, quietly (I am going through one of those anti-social phases: these often indicate change is on the horizon), and smile inside while looking outside my front window.  My boys soar around the house in their dragon costumes and I wonder how I will be able to best support them as they navigate those thrilling (wink, wink) adolescent years.

See no evil; hear no evil, Brother!  I know I cannot protect them from life's struggles, but I can teach them to rely on the best in themselves, and trust that after every fall-they will rise again because that is life.